my love affair

I have to admit I have had an affair I am in love with food network. I love the shows I love the foods that I couldn't afford to make. I love learning about cheese and wine and different ways to cook food. I love how amazing the kitchens are and how they make everything look so much easier than it actually is. They are so calm talking to you in a soothing voice telling you to stir egg whites into a mixture without deflating them it no easy feat might I add. Never once are they running around the kitchen like a chicken with their heads cut off. And they are cooking more than one dish at once most of the time. However this is not how it looks when I am cooking though I am a good cook. I am always running back and forth in my kitchen, forgetting where I put the chopped bell peppers, and then realizing my water isn't boiling because I didn't turn on the stove. So yes I am frazzled in the kitchen to say the least but the food tastes good. I always wonder though if it tastes like when bobby flay or tyler florence make it. I am also always wanting these cute containers and fancy contraptions that they have in their kitchen. But I have no where to put them I am out of counter space and my cabinets are full of the odd contraptions I already have. I really love to cook and should do it more often. Well I cook often but I like cooking where everything is from scratch. It just makes me feel accomplished. That is all for today I am going to watch more food network!

strange uncomfortable conversations

What creates a strange or uncomfortable conversation? Normally you feel uncomfortable in a conversation when it's about something you haven't dealt with emotionally, or the conversation is taboo, or a conversation comes up about something you have lied about. Well the last couple of days I have been in some very odd and uncomfortable conversations in which I have started getting super anxious and even shaking a little. All of these conversations have been about something I have not dealt with emotionally. I have this ability or maybe I should call it a disability to completely ignore that something happened. That is until I go to sleep when my post traumatic stress disorder takes over and pulls me back to places I don't want to go. The bad part is I don't even know how to deal with certain things The death of my grandparents I simply never talk about them as if they didn't exist. I can't think about them or I will cry they meant so so much to me. I wanted to get a tattoo for them, but I am afraid that it will be an everyday reminder of something I don't even know how to deal with. My childhood as a whole is a problem for me. I have only had a real relationship with my dad for less than four years. It's strange to think if he had never gone to therapy I still would not be speaking to him. I had decided that all though I can not escape my past mostly because of the ptsd I can not let myself live there. I forgave my dad and decided to have a relationship with him. After all he is not the same person any more and I am an adult and want him in my life. It's hard though when he talks about when I was a child I can't remember most of the good times and it seems like that is all that he remembers. I have never processed anything really because I can't talk about it. I am afraid that if I go back to these dark places that I will get stuck there that I will have more nightmares get less sleep and start having flashbacks again. And I can't go there again I have been doing so well for so long so even though I never dealt with anything. I feel that I have moved on by pretending nothing bad ever happened to me. Maybe one day I will be in a place where I can resolve the unresolved but not right not and probably not anytime soon. That's all for now.

Who am I?

Something that I had always prided myself on is being able to hide anything and everything. If you see me and I had just gotten into an argument with someone you wouldn't know. I don't tell people things even when I need to get something off of my chest. I never talked to my psychologists I simply sat there and told them whatever it was I thought they wanted to hear. I am a volcano I hold everything in until I can't any longer then I explode and don't even know how to handle myself. This happens once maybe twice a year and I am normally depressed and just plain down after for about a month. My main goal to tell you who I am honestly and openly. To be able to get out everything that I am thinking no matter what. I have feelings and emotions I need to express them in a healthy manner before I lose the opportunity and can never do it again. I want you to learn about me what I have been through and how that has made me who I am today. Hopefully I can make time to write and do something for me (another thing I have a hard time doing.) That being said let me tell you a little bit about me. Currently I have been with my husband for almost 4 years and we have been married for a little over 1 year. We have a almost 2 year old son named Isaac. I love my husband and my child so much it is ridiculous. I pray daily that my husband and I will never get divorced while I don't see that in our future and we have a good marriage you never know. I do not want my child to have to go through what I went through. My biggest fears are getting divorced and getting into a car accident with my son in the car. Sometimes it is scary to love something as much as I love my son because I don't know what I would do if anything happened to him. That is all for now thank you if you listen.