Isaac the great

So the other day my son turned two. Is it strange that seeing my little baby become a little boy makes me sad? In so many ways it seems as if he has always been a part of my life, like I have always been a mother. I forget that I had a life before and I wish I could forget who I was before my son. It's amazing how he could change me so much change my life completely. All of the good that I have become I owe to the Lord for giving me my little boy. I feel blessed that God trusted me with this little person. It shocks me how much of myself and my husband I see in our son. He is stubborn, persistent, and funny. He is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on or will every lay eyes on. I only hope I can be the mother he deserves that I never let him down and that I am not ever selfish. I pray I never forget to always think of him first and think of the impact my decisions will make on him. I know what not to do as a parent I have good examples of that and I just need to trust my instincts on what to do. I know for sure I love my son with everything and I am so so grateful that he is in my life.

HOW?

I don't know how single mother's do it I have a new found respect for them and wives with husbands deployed. My husband was only gone two weeks and I am completely exhausted. I loved the alone time with my son we played hard and slept harder lol. But he was so excited to see daddy again he followed him around like a puppy. I am so glad that my son has such a connection with his daddy it's something I never had. It makes me think that we are doing the right thing and that we are doing good by him. That he would miss his daddy so much and be so enthused to see him again it made my heart smile. I wish my husband would never again have to leave us but him being in the army national guard I not that is not possible. I can only pray that he is brought home safely each time he must go.

parenting articles drive me insane

My husband is absolutely convinced that reading all of these parenting articles is going to drive me insane. I have to say I thoroughly agree. I read about sleep, development, exercise, potty training, nutrition, to much sun, not enough sun. All of this information changes frequently as well. There is always some new study by some doctor saying this now harms your child. We have done it this way for 20 years but now it harms your child. Here is the facts to much of anything could be bad for you t.v. or sun. All of it can be bad for you ALL OF IT! I can't drive myself crazy and my child crazy trying to do everything like everyone says I should. God gave me motherly instincts for a reason and I need to use them. Every once in a while I don't know how to handle a situation and at that time I will hit the internet or read a chapter of a parenting book. But no longer will I obsess over what my child should be doing when. He is smart he is learning he is growing he is adorable and he is just fine to me.

almost 5 years

In August it will have been 5 years since my grandfather passed away. He was a simple man he ran a very successful car dealership. He only made it to 8th grade, and he joined the marines. He was in the Korean war and he left there with a purple heart a bronze star and a silver star. He suffered multiple injuries in Korea but I never heard him speak of the war. We were very very close he was about to move into my mothers house I couldn't have been happier. I joined the army to follow in his footsteps and went to basic training. Just two weeks after I got back he went into cardiac arrest. I was so angry I wasted all that time gone that I could have spent with him. I was angry because he always seemed so invincible I was angry for him making me think he would always be around and now he wasn't. I knew in some part of me that it was going to happen soon but I was not prepared for it. When I was told I went into my room threw everything I could get my hands on and left for school. The worst was yet to come. Like I said my grandfather was a simple man so he didn't mention very much in his will. Which drove my family apart we went from getting together with aunts and uncles and cousins every holiday and every birthday to not speaking for almost 5 years now. It was all so ridiculous and childish after all it is just stuff it can not bring my grandparents back. But people tend to hang on to the things of the ones who have passed. I don't while it is nice to have something I wouldn't risk the relationship with my siblings over stuff or money. I love them to much and I respect my parents to much. I miss my grandpa very much, I can't honestly say I have ever dealt with him passing I never think about it. I don't look at pictures or tell stories I don't deal with it at all. I have been to the grave site once since my grandparents passed. And I am not sure I can go again. I do think my grandpa died of a broken heart he missed my grandma so much and I am glad they are back together even if that means I can't see them.

My son

My son was amazing from the very first day he was born. He has lit up my life like nothing ever could. He has given me purpose and I can only repay him by being the best mother I possibly can. My child is much like my husband and I in good ways and in some not so good ways. He is just as stubborn as the both of us but hopefully he will use that for good one day. He is funny and quirky like us. And he is so smart I think he mostly gets that from my husband. He is hard to wake up and he loves to be outside. He loves his family and shows it all of the time. He is playful and somber all in one. It is so strange how characteristics transfer genetically. I hope for my son that he is a good person. I know he will not have to deal with half of the things my husband and I had to when we were children. My son will not be plagued with addiction or abuse of any kind which was the unfortunate reality for us. I think free of these things my child will be so much better than I could ever be. I just hope and pray that I can support him and guide him down a happy life path. Isaac I love you.

my love affair

I have to admit I have had an affair I am in love with food network. I love the shows I love the foods that I couldn't afford to make. I love learning about cheese and wine and different ways to cook food. I love how amazing the kitchens are and how they make everything look so much easier than it actually is. They are so calm talking to you in a soothing voice telling you to stir egg whites into a mixture without deflating them it no easy feat might I add. Never once are they running around the kitchen like a chicken with their heads cut off. And they are cooking more than one dish at once most of the time. However this is not how it looks when I am cooking though I am a good cook. I am always running back and forth in my kitchen, forgetting where I put the chopped bell peppers, and then realizing my water isn't boiling because I didn't turn on the stove. So yes I am frazzled in the kitchen to say the least but the food tastes good. I always wonder though if it tastes like when bobby flay or tyler florence make it. I am also always wanting these cute containers and fancy contraptions that they have in their kitchen. But I have no where to put them I am out of counter space and my cabinets are full of the odd contraptions I already have. I really love to cook and should do it more often. Well I cook often but I like cooking where everything is from scratch. It just makes me feel accomplished. That is all for today I am going to watch more food network!

strange uncomfortable conversations

What creates a strange or uncomfortable conversation? Normally you feel uncomfortable in a conversation when it's about something you haven't dealt with emotionally, or the conversation is taboo, or a conversation comes up about something you have lied about. Well the last couple of days I have been in some very odd and uncomfortable conversations in which I have started getting super anxious and even shaking a little. All of these conversations have been about something I have not dealt with emotionally. I have this ability or maybe I should call it a disability to completely ignore that something happened. That is until I go to sleep when my post traumatic stress disorder takes over and pulls me back to places I don't want to go. The bad part is I don't even know how to deal with certain things The death of my grandparents I simply never talk about them as if they didn't exist. I can't think about them or I will cry they meant so so much to me. I wanted to get a tattoo for them, but I am afraid that it will be an everyday reminder of something I don't even know how to deal with. My childhood as a whole is a problem for me. I have only had a real relationship with my dad for less than four years. It's strange to think if he had never gone to therapy I still would not be speaking to him. I had decided that all though I can not escape my past mostly because of the ptsd I can not let myself live there. I forgave my dad and decided to have a relationship with him. After all he is not the same person any more and I am an adult and want him in my life. It's hard though when he talks about when I was a child I can't remember most of the good times and it seems like that is all that he remembers. I have never processed anything really because I can't talk about it. I am afraid that if I go back to these dark places that I will get stuck there that I will have more nightmares get less sleep and start having flashbacks again. And I can't go there again I have been doing so well for so long so even though I never dealt with anything. I feel that I have moved on by pretending nothing bad ever happened to me. Maybe one day I will be in a place where I can resolve the unresolved but not right not and probably not anytime soon. That's all for now.

Who am I?

Something that I had always prided myself on is being able to hide anything and everything. If you see me and I had just gotten into an argument with someone you wouldn't know. I don't tell people things even when I need to get something off of my chest. I never talked to my psychologists I simply sat there and told them whatever it was I thought they wanted to hear. I am a volcano I hold everything in until I can't any longer then I explode and don't even know how to handle myself. This happens once maybe twice a year and I am normally depressed and just plain down after for about a month. My main goal to tell you who I am honestly and openly. To be able to get out everything that I am thinking no matter what. I have feelings and emotions I need to express them in a healthy manner before I lose the opportunity and can never do it again. I want you to learn about me what I have been through and how that has made me who I am today. Hopefully I can make time to write and do something for me (another thing I have a hard time doing.) That being said let me tell you a little bit about me. Currently I have been with my husband for almost 4 years and we have been married for a little over 1 year. We have a almost 2 year old son named Isaac. I love my husband and my child so much it is ridiculous. I pray daily that my husband and I will never get divorced while I don't see that in our future and we have a good marriage you never know. I do not want my child to have to go through what I went through. My biggest fears are getting divorced and getting into a car accident with my son in the car. Sometimes it is scary to love something as much as I love my son because I don't know what I would do if anything happened to him. That is all for now thank you if you listen.